Let’s talk about peace, baby

Welcome, all!

It’s been awhile.

What is new?

I know what’s new. Besides my newfound love for pumping my fists in the air with a bunch of strangers at Birdy’s sports bar and grill in camaraderie re: anything that’s remotely helping me win my March Madness bracket, I feel pretty at peace with where I’m at.

Really, in all aspects of my life.

In one of my previous posts, I talk about waves in life. And how the things we desire or the things that seem to challenge our goals come in waves- wave after wave of challenges, I was having a hard time staying afloat, trying to feel at peace with every option or challenge or set back or pressure to make a decision about taking steps towards my career swirl around me.

But now, I feel that peace. I’ll unpack this more later, but as I reflect on the job I have, the people in my life, and the God that I pursue, the more at peace I feel. The physical therapy clinic I work for in undergoing a big transition this week, and my role is changing drastically as we make this transition. Although it’s different and unlike any work I’ve done before, I am excited for the opportunity and experience to work alongside patients and a physical therapist in a different way. And as I’ve been training to prepare for it, I didn’t expect to feel as ready for this challenge as I do now- and that’s something I’ve not felt for a long time.

For awhile, as mentioned in my post about waves in life, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to pursue was what I should be pursuing. And this “gap” year hasn’t been what I thought it would be when it comes to pursuing my career.

But in this time of rest, I find that this is exactly what I needed this year to be. So that I could get to where I am now: healthy, more rested, and motivated to be challenged in my work that gives me a glimpse of what I’ve thought I’ve wanted to pursue for a long time.

Often times, I think it is so easy for us to focus so much on what we don’t have figured out (i.e. my career or you know, my bragging rights to Duke going to the final four) that we don’t recognize what we do have figured out (a stable job with the opportunity to grow and a living environment that allows me to rest and be challenged by meaningful conversation).

And maybe this big difference I feel now compared to a year ago is partly because I have OCPD tendencies (yes, that is different from OCD, check it out). But for as long as I’ve known, my autonomy has driven me to a point where it’s hard to know what and when to let go of control. And a year ago, I wanted to control a lot of things, still, when a lot of things were out of my control.

This is an incredible blessing and a curse.

A blessing because it’s helped me stay motivated and determined to do whatever I needed to get through school, even though the physical or cognitive capacities I was under to do so was questionable. It helps challenge me as I make informed decisions, whether that may be in the professional setting, what I choose for self care, what and how I choose to serve others, in my friendships, etc.

But it’s also a curse because the thing is, life isn’t concrete. You can’t make informed decisions about the future when the future hasn’t happened yet. Because anything can happen! I could get in a major car accident, I could lose my job, my March Madness bracket could go down the drain… the outcomes are endless. Which makes trying to control my life harder and it challenges my anxiety because of it.

With that being said, I think we can all relate on some level that we try to make informed decisions to control the outcome of our lives- whether that’s for a decision that will dictate tomorrow, or next week, or next decade.

And anything that jeopardizes that control makes us uncomfortable. And when we are uncomfortable, we often resort to uninformed, irrational decisions, forgetting about the positive influences or events or people that are helping fuel our lives in the moment.

Like giving up on our careers. Not prioritizing prayer or quiet time with Jesus or another source of faith that fuels you. Not going back to school like we wanted. Not admitting our fears and flaws to people we trust. Resorting to booze. Shutting people out. Assuming people don’t care. Judging ourselves. Not reaching out to people we know are hurting. Not going to therapy. Stopping exercise. Fueling negative internal dialogue. Second guessing any job opportunity you’ve taken. Forgetting to love ourselves and others. Taking Gonzaga to the final four (too soon?). Or even worse, taking Duke to the end to win it all (definitely, too soon).

These are just examples.

So instead, when we get uncomfortable, why don’t we just take a step back and reset?

That’s what this entire last year has been for me.

When I wrote about my waves, I was an anxious mess! And it wasn’t until now that I’ve realized how rewarding this last year after graduating from Whitworth University has been.

This year was a year for rest and recovery. To stay afloat among the waves. To be uncomfortable. To let go of control. To pray more and read more. To make sure that the informed decisions I do make are the ones I really feel called to when it comes to my vocation.

And for that, I am so grateful. I have found more fruitful friendships and rekindled old ones. I feel healthy. I needed this time to invest in myself and the people around me in ways I’ve not been able to while in school. And now that I’m rested, healthier, and full of God’s peace, I feel like whatever events that are to come in the next few months aren’t going to feel as nerve wracking because I’m at peace. And can make better informed decisions.

So let us talk about these things more.

Let’s talk more about when we’re uncomfortable and not in control. And let’s also talk about when we’re at peace and happy and excited! Because when we do that, at least we know we have at least one thing in common with each other. And that is we are just trying to figure this life out together.

Weren’t we made for relationships, anyway?

(Except for our relationships with Duke, Gonzaga, Liberty, and Auburn. The amount of emotions behind those upsets are unsettling. Check yourself before you wreck yourself).

xo

“You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.” Brené Brown