Welcome, all!
My name is Danielle and I think pain is one of the greatest gifts in this life, apart from love.
I used to hate pain. I used to think that anything painful I experienced meant that the world owed me something better, like pain meant that justice needed to be served every time so that I would never have to experience pain again.
I was so far from the truth.
Now, I believe that one of the greatest gifts we are granted in this life is pain. We just have to figure out how to run after it, head on, and get on the other side of it, leaving it behind with all of the other things we hold onto that bring us down.
I have been wanting to bring up pain for awhile now, but haven’t known how. But within the last year and a half, pain has been heavy among my circle of friends and family. How inevitable it is to experience pain…
I want to talk about a couple sides of pain that I have experienced.
On one side, I have watched loved ones go through pain. On the other side, I have gone through pain.
– Watching loved ones go through pain –
Here are a few things that come to mind when I think of pain in this past year and a half: my friend interned/worked at a Native American youth ministry and was completely unraveled by the injustice that has served the Native people for YEARS (sometimes, she still feels guilty, responsible, and broken for the kids she worked with that she had absolutely no control over); some of my track teammates suffered terrible injuries, some that were season-ending; family members were diagnosed with cancer; another friend’s dad was diagnosed with ALS and he has, and still is, battling fiercely with his symptoms; others friends have ended serious, long term relationships, walked away brokenhearted, watched their exes move on, and still suffer from their break up, even if they believe it was the right decision.
Wow. My heart breaks just thinking about these painful seasons of life people have endured lately. Yeah, that might sound dramatic, but the emotions and words and conversations that accompany ALL of these things really are just as heartbreaking as you would imagine.
So what do we do with all of this pain?
Hearing my friends talk about what broke their hearts made it feel like I also experienced what broke their hearts. It felt like I carried the burdens just as heavily as they did. Their pain became my pain. And all I thought was, “what can I do to make them feel better?” And the fact of the matter is, my role was to just “show up” and “be.”
“Just be.”
My role wasn’t to fix them. To take their pain away. To hide their pain. To shove it under the rug just for them to slip on the rug and find it again. The best thing that I could do was to BE THERE. Without any answers, without and means to fix their pain, and to just say, “I have NO CLUE what to tell you, but I do know that I’ll figure it out with you. Whatever that means for you.” Or something real close to that. Obviously, it’s hard to remember exactly what I said in those situations, I was just trying to not end up in my own puddle of tears or whip out the fists of fury on those who inflicted so much pain on my family and friends or [insert whatever other action you feel necessary here that would make sense when you watch loved ones experience pain].
*Disclaimer: times of pain call for a balance of leading with your head and your heart. We’re all working on it. I’m working on it. Okay? Hop off…
Regardless, I realize that the best thing that I can do for people who are going through pain, friends, family, peers, coworkers, strangers, etc., is to just show up and be ready to accept whatever that person has. And, to not have expectations. I cannot expect my friends and family to respond in the same way as I would if I were “in their shoes,” nor can I expect them to heal faster just because I am walking alongside them in their journey. Because truthfully, until I am that exact person in his/her exact situation (which is impossible), I have no right to tell them what they should and should not feel when it comes to the way they have been affected by pain.
What if they push me out when I can see that their pain is suffocating them?
You show up when they want you to. And you remind them that you are ready to show up for them when they are ready. Because in the end, they are going to appreciate it later even if they aren’t ready for you now.
– Going through pain –
The problem we have with pain is that we wish to rid it away the moment we start feeling it. We band aid it with distraction after distraction: school work, chores, work, food, sex, drugs, alcohol, gossip, you name it…
The thing is, when we feel pain, we enter a space that makes us feel the most vulnerable, the worst version of ourselves. And if we fully embrace whatever situation, person, or experience that inflicted pain on us, it feels like we might not ever make it out on the other side. We might want to go to sleep and not wake up. The burden of my pain is too heavy to bear. It will break me. My pain will define me. My pain will swallow me whole and choke me up and I will only be collateral damage, leaving that person/thing that inflicted pain in the first place unscathed.
What a time, to feel pain. It is crippling and sometimes, it feels like a wave that’s too big to ride and I might not come up on the other side for air.
But here is the best part. Here is the gift behind pain.
Pain is what shapes us and helps becomes what we truly want to be.
Pain: potentially a means to an end. Pain on its own may not necessarily be useful; but it can be used to achieve a specific goal. The goal? YOU fill in the blank. Happiness. Strength. Beauty. Authenticity. Resilience. Success…
You want to be resilient? Empathetic? Kind? Wise? Compassionate? Successful? Strong? Emotionally, mentally, and physically unwavering?
You become those things when you get to the other side of pain. Pain isn’t a wall that you can go around or climb over. Pain is the brick wall that you have to tackle head on and blow into a million pieces to get to the other side. (Not literally, my goodness. You’ll end up with zero dignity or even worse, a concussion or…).
You get it.
Wonder Woman did not just boosh her way out of Ares’ wrath because she honed in on her strengths (well, she kind of did this, too, but that’s not the point I am trying to make). She embraced her pain. Her heartbreak. The things that were supposed to break her and warranted her to throw in the towel, wave her white flag, and say, “Ares, this is too painful. You win.” Instead, she blew out that mother fluffer into dust because she embraced all of her pain, got to the other side of it, and became stronger, more powerful, more confident, resilient, and honestly, more badass.
Think of it this way…
When you think of your greatest role model, think about the characteristics that person has that you want. Now, think about the things they have gone through that they have shared with you. Or better yet, ask them about the pain they have gone through in the past and what they did with it.
I will guarantee you that those traits that you seek in your role model are their characteristics because they took their pain, realized they were meant for that pain, and made it to the other side of it.
So in order for us to have those characteristics that we want, we have to go through our own pain.
When I think of things that have broken my heart in the past, I often wonder… what did I do to deserve that pain? Were the things that I said or did, when I was in pain, valid? How can I trust that person/experience in the future after the pain they have caused me to experience?
Better yet, when you have had the time for the dust to settle and you have come to better terms with your previous pain regarding the person or experience that caused you pain in the first place, I think…do I go back and try and fix the pain that I may have caused that person? Am I supposed to do something to mend the pain that came from the situation? Do I allow that person that caused me pain from the past back into my life? What does my life look like now with, or without, that person/experience? Is there a place in my life now for that person/experience or do I let it go? Crap… I didn’t think about letting it go… how do I know I need to let it go?!
I think the best thing that has helped me when these questions drown me is this: where do my emotional boundaries need to be in order to keep me safe?
It is as simple as that.
It certainly does not mean that it is easy to set safe emotional boundaries with the people or events that caused me grief. It is not easy at all. But what I have realized, is that the people and the things that have caused me the most pain were the people and the things that I have spent the MOST time on. That means it is going to take me TIME to know and set these boundaries. To acknowledge that there needs to be boundaries, to learn what they are, and to use them makes it easier for me to realize what is okay to let go of from the past, and what is okay to hold on to.
Let go of what is not emotionally safe for you. Cling to those that make you feel emotionally safe. Again, at least for me, the most pain I have had coincided with people and events that I spent the most time on or I valued the most. It took me a lot of practice and time, and I will always have to keep practicing and take more time, to acknowledge what is emotionally safe for me. But when I set those boundaries, I found that I was able to face my pain more directly, moving through it and letting it shape me so that I could make it out on the other side of it.
And the best part? The people that I felt were emotionally safe before I faced my pain directly were still by my side when I reached the other side of pain. And their the ones that I know will continue to be with me and lift me up for the next waves of pain I will go through in this life. They are the ones worth keeping around and the ones that will be there for me when I need them the most, in all of the rest of my triumphs and trials.
These boundaries have allowed me to feel validated in my pain and move forward with the things and the people that have caused me grief.
Pain makes us believe in greater things. And pain makes us see the beauty in life so much better.
If you are currently going through pain, I hear you, I see you.
And yes, you are strong enough to get to the other side. Because on the other side of pain, there is peace and strength and so much more. And how beautiful is that?
All my love,
xo
p.s. I saw this video in the exact season of life I needed to see it. I was in just the right place to absorb everything that was said, and if you are feeling low and need a little extra validation, check it out. It is worth it.
“First the pain, then the rising.” – Glennon Doyle
love like you should 